What is this about? Who am I? Why am I doing this?
There are a few reasons that I will try not to ramble on about too much. Primarily, I felt that God was telling me to sit down and document what an idiot I am and have been in the hopes that someone else will not follow where I have gone. For those who are struggling in these areas, perhaps you will look to God to lead you out of your sin. I attended Night of Joy at Disney World and heard Casting Crowns lead singer, Mark Hall, say something like this: “If there’s a way to screw up being a Christian, I have mastered it.” I know how he feels and have screwed up more times than I care to think about. Second, this story is for accountability in my life. For many years people just assumed my family was doing well. On the outside, I was able to display whatever was necessary to fool people around me. This is not because I am some great actor or so incredibly deceptive either; rather it was my ability to keep everyone at arm’s length and not allow people to truly know how ugly my life was. The third reason comes from a desire that Christian men everywhere will stand up and fight for their marriages, the love of their wives, and the respect of their children. I absolutely have no room to criticize others in this area. This is written more for me as a reminder to do what I believe God has called a man who wears the title of Christian to be. When I think of the titles of Christian, husband, and father I am “the least of these.” I have failed my children, wife, and most importantly, I have offended Holy God with my selfishness and pride over the years. The most amazing aspect of my self centeredness was (is) the ability to think to myself “it’s ok, I am not as bad as [insert name].” I thought I was doing fine and was just like anyone else. I do not want to be just like anyone else, I want to be whatever God wants me to be. I will strive to do this in three main areas: As a follower of Christ, as a husband, and as a father.
Least important is who I am. Almost 17 years ago God placed a woman in my life that I didn't (don't) deserve. Over the years he has blessed me by allowing me to become a father when I continued to seek Him only when it suited me. As you can see by the picture above, I have been blessed with far more than I could ever earn which is a living testament to God's grace and mercy. I was living a "good" life. We attended and were active in a local church, I had a great job, my family was healthy and happy. From the outside we looked picture perfect. I was living a dual life and had been for about a decade. I had slowly justified actions and thoughts into a life overcome with sin and and ruled by my flesh. In between the guilty feelings that sometimes consumed me, I was self righteous and proud of my ability to live out this duplicity. In 2009 I began to head rapidly downhill. This decline went hand in hand with my own selfish train of thought that I was seeing things more clearly, making justified decisions, and had everything under control. In reality I was trying to control things, submitting to God even less, and headed for destruction. My two lives collided sometime towards the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010. I lost my job, left my family, and wanted nothing to do with the Lord.
My hope is to document the mistakes I made that caused the events at the end of 2009 through the first part of 2010. More important I hope to adequately share God's strength, rebuke, and guidance that led me back to my family, provided another job, and most importantly taught me to seek Him in all things at all times. Through His teaching and guidance I know that the wife he provided is a good thing and we are building a cord that is not easily broken.
