As a Father

As a Father

The Lord has chosen to bless me with children who forgive their earthly father's weaknesses time and again. Throughout my struggles with idolatry, it was always the desire for my children to be better that would “nag” at me. No matter if I was hiding a relationship, or just being mildly hypocritical in my walk with life, it was taking my children to their church-related activities where I would feel the Lord really pointing out what a jerk I was. This became more prevalent when we had a son and I felt the burden of raising a spiritual leader. I wasn't a spiritual leader, how in the world could I raise one?

Although these thoughts would fly back and forth sin was dominant and I could not break free from it. I had my excuses here I would blame my wife, or Satan. We've already discussed how this is excusing my personal responsibility and spiritual discipline. To be clear I love my children and never for a minute wanted to hurt them even when I was hurting their feelings and possibly hurting their futures by living wrongly. My capacity to justify things in my mind is truly phenomenal, I can probably justify anything in the world if you give me about five minutes to think about how it will benefit me. More amazing is that as I justify to I can also start to think it might be better for other people too. Realizing this as I grow closer to God has taught me not to listen to my heart but to lead my heart in the manner God has prescribed for me in His Word. We will get to that later though.

As you can probably imagine, the events I wrote about in the previous entry were taking a toll on my ability to be a parent. I wasn't being the man God wanted me to be, I wasn't the husband God commands me to be so naturally I wasn't the parent God commands me to be. I doubt most folks noticed it, I mean we were in church every Sunday, kids were in the skits, plays, musicals etc. WE home school all three of them and two of my children have accepted Christ and participated in believer's baptism. Some might say that's pretty good and how was I a bad parent with all of these great things happening in my children's lives? Pure grace. The unmerited favor of the Lord to watch over my wife and children as I did my best to screw up life. God's amazing mercy was at work watching over those I was not diligently pursuing. My wife also works like no one I have ever seen anywhere in my life too. She was doing the work of 2 parents easily to make sure our children were cared for in every way.

So, what exactly was I not doing that I should have been doing and where did that lead? I was so busy leading a double life that I would arrive home exhausted every day and had little patience for my beautiful children. I also just tried to get them to obey me for the brief periods of time I was at home rather than cherishing the gift that they are and pursuing their hearts. Praise God their mother was diligent in their devotional and Bible time and for the wonderful people who taught them in Sunday school while I was being such a slacker. As my double life was getting closer to taking over I started to view my kids as a hindrance also. I never treated them poorly but I would think of how easy it would be to “move on” if they were older, or if I didn't have children. I think it's safe to say I was impressively average in everything I did with them and God was fortunately shielding them from my ineptitude.

As the sin in my life began to grow, I had less patience for waiting for the kids to grow up. I also held to the idea, at times, that new jobs or locations might get me to clean up my act. Of course anything like a change of scenery or new job is just a band-aid and doesn't fix my treacherous heart. As the kids got older it also became more difficult to hide my sin from them as well. That increased my stress, which I had to hide, and increased the tension at home.

Hopefully none of this sounds like I am blaming them, this was all me following my sinful heart down a path of destruction. Because of my selfishness I could not find joy in my children even though I loved them dearly in an affectionate kind of way. What I mean by that is that I had fond emotions regarding my children but not the determined love of a father who wants the very best for them in every area of their lives; especially their relationship with Christ. Towards the end of 2009 my sin had so overtaken me hat I couldn't even hold out for the children any longer.

I became so consumed with satisfying myself that I decide not only to destroy my wife's heart but my Children's hearts as well. Shortly after Christmas in 2009 I put my 4 year old son to bed and asked my 11 and 9 year old girls to come downstairs so I could talk to them. I had told my wife what I had planned and I am sure she just felt powerless to stop this. Regardless, I sat the girls down and said “Daddy is going to move somewhere else.” No preparation, cold as ice, total jerk. If there was anyway I could tell you men in the right words what I saw on my daughter's faces I would write it. It was terrible, I absolutely destroyed them in that moment. The sound that came out of the younger girl was terrible and I didn't even care. I was smiling at them both and telling them how much I loved them.

This was me, truly blinded by my sin and thinking I was doing things that were better for everyone involved. Blinded by scales of sin I destroyed my children's image of me. I actually thought I cared about what they thought of me too.

Thank God my wife was clear headed enough during this turmoil to have taken down all the Christmas decorations so they would not associate that in their minds forever. Praise God that she had the forethought to have them absent from the home when I actually moved everything out. Praise God that a little while later He broke my heart.

As a Husband

During my life on this earth I have had many relationships and, truly, have not done well in them. I have been a bad friend to others, a distant family member, and a lacking brother in Christ to those I attended church with. What I CAN say is that in most of those areas I made efforts at some point to do better. What I can also say is that those efforts were often at the expense of my most important earthly relationship, my marriage. I focused on "good" things like serving other people, and being a diligent employee, and even leading in some of those areas. I was dead wrong men; I had turned many of those things into an idol. That is to say that I had elevated them above their rightful place in my life according to God's Holy Word. To that end, what is the order God has prescribed to me for the relationships in my life.
In the book of Matthew the Pharisees and Sadducees decided to challenge Jesus' knowledge of the Law. They asked Jesus a wonderful question that provides the primary guidance for my everyday life.

"Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?" (Matthew 22:36 HCSB)

And, of course, you know His response:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37 HCSB)

Simple enough right? My (your) primary relationship above all others is to God. I was created to Love, honor, and worship God above all other things. Jesus followed this with the instruction to love your neighbor as yourself. My very closest neighbor is my covenant wife. Possibly the only earthly relationship I will ever overtly choose. There are many Biblical references which let me know my wife is my primary relationship. If you are not aware of this, please refer to Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:6, and Mark 10:9. Obviously I offer everything I say from the position that God's word, the 66 canonical books of the Holy Bible, is inerrant and sufficient for ALL of life's problems.
From the previous chapter I had learned to rely on God for my other external relationships, and to lean on Him to guide me. While the relationships outside my family were recovering and being restored, I continued to neglect my family. More than neglect them, I was actively sinning against my wife. I was breaking the covenants of our marriage, a lot. I had chosen to believe the lies presented to me by the world around me. I believed that I deserved a wife who acted a certain way and would revere and respect me no matter how much I neglected her needs. To be clear I am not speaking against the Biblical requirements for the wives. God's word offers specific guidance for the ladies but I am dealing with my, the men's, responsibilities which are detailed in Ephesians 5:25 - 32. Although the responsibilities of the ladies are detailed prior to that God did not tell me that my responsibility applies only IF she applies hers.
I am an adulterer. I willfully sought out, and justified in my clouded mind,  solace and comfort where it cannot be found. I used my wife's behavior or circumstances or anything I could grasp as justification for what I was doing. To a more prudent and faithful servant of God, this is simply crazy. To people who have become clouded in their judgement and have given Satan a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27) it can become easy to excuse my personal responsibility. So, what did this look like in real life?
I was part of the worship team at church, chaired 3 or 4 committees, and was even chairman of the deacons for a brief period. Looks pretty good doesn't it? I would spend my days visiting sick people in the hospitals and praying with families that had been assigned to me and I would arrive home with nothing left for my own family. My wife would actually say "I need you to pray with me more." I wouldn't do it. I justified even this behavior with the fact that I had done my service for the Lord that day. I was completely failing to realize the wounds I was creating in her. This is all aside form the fact that no one actually knew me. I purposefully kept relationships shallow and did not seek to confess to more mature believers areas where I was struggling. Looking back I was probably embarrassed but that does not excuse me not pursuing deeper Biblical accountability from the good men I had around me. These cumulative issues began "the drift" which is described in Hebrews 2:1-4. I was NOT paying attention to what I had heard , and KNEW to be true, my whole life. I would become angry with my wife when my sinful pride was wounded and Satan achieved a foothold. I will be careful to state here that Satan is not my greatest enemy, my wicked heart is. Satan is real and he wants to deceive and he plays a part but I am responsible for actively applying God's Word and His will in my life. This pattern continued over a period of 10 years. I would go through periods of deep regret and conviction only to get lost in my "self" again. In 2009 I found what I thought I wanted in someone else.
Breaking all the rules of prudence in protecting a Biblical marriage I sought out comfort and it almost destroyed my entire life. I built a relationship with someone else who was seeking similar comfort. I complained about my marriage and circumstances and justified all my behavior while still clinging to the belief that I loved God. (I will not address the theology of this being a salvation vs. ongoing sanctification in my life and would encourage you to examine this carefully if you are walking through a trial). This particular relationship  deepened and went beyond the state of "control" I had tried to maintain in the past. My life began to swirl out of control but on the surface I was in a new church I loved, still in the band, sometimes taught Sunday School, and had a great job I really loved. I did not feel any guilt or shame about what I was doing. I know some self-help books talk about that and I believe that is what those authors experienced. Instead of me feeling that, I shifted my focus and viewed my wife as my adversary. This single wrong focus allowed me to "feel good" about everything I was doing. A rapid succession of events towards the end of 2009 convinced me that a relationship with my wife was no longer the best thing for me and that I would be better off with this other person. During a particularly difficult day of communications with my wife I sent her an email saying I was moving out. As I sit and write this, it brings tears to my eyes for my offense to her and how I sinned against God; however, while I was in the midst of my sinning, I felt satisfied and happy about my decision to send that email.
With a few sentences and the click of a mouse I felt free from 15 years of marriage, 3 beautiful children, and believed God was alright with all of it. For a few days I felt like everything was working itself out too. Most of my selfish plans were working like a well-oiled machine and I was busy busy trying to get on with my life. Right about then, friends and family stepped up their intercession to God on my family's behalf. I didn't know, well I knew a few, but people all over the country began to pray earnestly for reconciliation. Some people were even fasting. One of the other guys in the last praise band I had been a member of stopped by my shiny new apartment and greatly encouraged me that "reconciliation should always be the goal." He told me that this other person was a tool of the enemy. The prayers must have been starting to take hold because I had to laugh and tell him I was also a tool of the enemy. Other things began to become apparent after I moved out as well. I saw this other person I had pursued began to display signs that made me feel as if the level of commitment was waning. We only saw each other at work, even though I now had my own private place.
I didn't know what was happening but it was apparent that things were unraveling, and in the back of my mind I was starting to know why.

As a Follower of Christ

Let’s see, have I ever failed in this area? Of course I have. I know you have too. I am not judging you, I just know your are human and God’s word is clear that none of us are righteous . I doubt this is news to any of you but I thought I would toss it in as a reminder. We are men, we want to be in charge, we want to believe we control our own destiny. We are nothing without the Lord men; John 15:5 should be a great reference for keeping us in our place “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”(NKJV) This is Jesus speaking and during this lesson he is not simply offering chastisement. Rather, this statement comes in the midst of great encouragement and I would encourage you to go grab your Bible and read John 15. Some folks like to stop at this point and just focus on the fact that we are nothing without Him. This is true and should remain in your heart at all times on order for us to wear our spirit of humility. I was recently encouraged by a fellow brother in Christ who pointed out that the next step should be for me to also remember that “I can do all things through Him that strengthens me. ” As long as I seek only to bring glory to the Lord, not myself, then nothing can stop Him working through me to accomplish His goals. I have been tempted to view that verse in the past as some sort of all-consuming "name it and claim it" theology. This fed my delusion that I am somehow self sufficient moving me away from a position of humility. I can do all things through Him IF He desires and IF whatever I am doing brings glory and honor to His kingdom. The goal is for me to stop idolizing the things of this world, that glorify me, and focus on my relationship with Christ. When I am doing this, my desires will line up with the plans God has for me. This gets difficult for me because I want to be in control of my life and think that I am needed more than I am. I want to feel important, like my ideas matter, and sometimes I want to think God needs me. Newsflash, Holy God has no need for Slade Griffin ever. I believe that now and still had trouble typing that sentence. I was watching a video where Mark Hall, Casting Crowns, was giving his testimony. Talk about humble, at one point he said he realized that God was telling him " Mark, I don't need you. I want you." That was pretty powerful. For years I would pray to be used or pray for what I wanted, even though sometimes they were good wants, and just sit and wonder why things were happening the way they were. I realized there were two major things interfering. The first issue was all the sin I had been hiding. Obviously the fact that I willfully chose to sin continually hindered my prayer. My Holy Father had no interest in "rewarding" that type of behavior. While this is something very obvious, it was something I could not figure out while my sin had such a death grip on my life. Sometimes I am really slow, other times just a little. The second issue was how I was praying. I have been familiar with the A.C.T.S. principle for awhile. If you aren't familiar this is Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. If you are new to prayer or believe any prayer is equal, the correct way to pray is called out in Matthew 6: 9-15 when Jesus provides this instruction. If you want the full context of Jesus' instruction just back up to verse 5. It wasn't that I didn't follow these models, it was that I requested action where maybe none was required. For example I would ask the Lord to use me in music or use me for some other ministry I enjoyed. On the surface there is nothing wrong with this and I am not offering correction to anyone praying this way. I learned that God wanted me to wait on him and he didn't need me to "do" anything. I began instead to pray that I would be the man God wants me to be. If that means I sit in my cubicle all day living out Colossians 3:23, so be it. I will seek Him daily and serve Him continually in everything. So men, as followers of Christ what are we supposed to be? I don't have the answers, but I know where to find them. The answer to any challenge, trial, issue, or problem is addressed in God's word.
The world would like us to believe that His word no longer applies to certain things and that things are different now. God is some sort of Grandfatherly figure that just wants to say everything's okay, sin doesn't matter, and do whatever you want. Sadly this attitude of popular culture has invaded our lives and, in some cases, our churches. I feel fortunate that I have always had a pastor that was solid and preached from the Bible and stood against the notion that the God's word was less than sufficient. On the other side of that spectrum I had very few Christian men that were willing to confront me when I clearly showed that I was not living as God intended. I am not talking about the people who didn't know either and what's, possibly, worse I understood why they wouldn't. For example, I had deceived myself enough that I believed a divorce would be justifiable. During my time of unemployment I read several books while I was learning to focus on God, lean only on Him, and look only to Him. One of those books was "So, You Want To Be Like Christ?" by Charles Swindoll. The book is excellent and very easy to read. He makes several points that applied to either myself directly or experiences I have had. I took 8 pages of handwritten notes while reading that book. Here are some of the things that really hit home with me:

"The message of Christianity is quickly becoming a system of enlightened thinking instead of a simple call to turn from sin and pursue a relationship with God."

"Are activities outside my home stealing time from those within the home?"

"..Becoming more like Christ) Begins with a decision to reorder our live according to a different set of priorities."

"Compare yourself to Christ: Jesus lived his entire life misunderstood, misrepresented, misquoted, mistreated and finally crucified. HE COMMITTED NO SIN."

You may well be affected by these also, or perhaps other points in the book. I recommend this book as at least a way to develop some general understanding of what it means when we say we want to be like Christ as Christian men. As always, the Bible should be your primary source.

Today, I attempt to start each day with a devotional where I journal how I believe I should apply the lesson that day. Meeting God in His word in the morning starts the day well and I regret the days where I forget or it slips away from me. As a continued part of my walk with the Lord I boldly share this story in the hopes that other men will be helped or challenged and that God would receive Glory. Following the Lord in every moment has also led me to be more compassionate towards others and has made forgiveness something I can actually do now. During my periods of ignoring God, not leaning on Him and not Seeking Him I would hold a grudge for long periods of time. Since "long period" is somewhat relative I will share a couple of examples and let you scale the description of length appropriately.
When I was 12 years old I was adopted by the man my mother had remarried to after 3 years of being divorced. Following the court proceedings, and the subsequent discussions that accompany them, I decided that my biological father had done something to greatly offend me. I won't share the details but I did not speak to him again for 17 years. During that time I was encouraged by my parents to maintain some form of communication but my stubbornness and hard heart would not allow it.
When I was 24 years old, my adopted father and my mother divorced. At some point I became just as offended by this man, who had poured his life into me for years, as I had my biological father. So there I was, broken relationships with 2 men that I know sincerely tried their best to be the right type of leader for me.
After 17 years I thought I would "give him another chance" and see how things went with my biological father. God deeply blessed that day and the richness and reward of that relationship being reconciled is ongoing as I continue to have fellowship and time with my brothers and sisters from that side of the family. I clearly see now it was not anything good in me that led to that moment when we met after 17 years of separation, I was 29 years old.
After 9 years I was at my sister's wedding and my grandmother came up to me and said "you go over there and tell your Dad you forgive him." She was referring to my adopted father and I said "yes ma'am", that's what you do when Gran tell you something, and I walked over and apologized to my Dad for what I had done. I don't know exactly how he felt but I know that it freed me and that we continue to have good interactions today, I was 34 years old.
What I am striving to make changes, I am slow to change and wounds from what I have done to others in the past heal slowly. Fortunately, Jesus' blood covers sin and God is sovereign. My goal as a follower of Christ is simple:

Father God help me today to follow you and to be a good husband to my wife and father to my children. Father lead me as I lead them correcting me, strengthening me, and encouraging me with your Holy Word. Help me to do my job well and not for any glory and recognition to me but for the glory of your kingdom alone.

Introduction

What is this about? Who am I? Why am I doing this?
There are a few reasons that I will try not to ramble on about too much. Primarily, I felt that God was telling me to sit down and document what an idiot I am and have been in the hopes that someone else will not follow where I have gone. For those who are struggling in these areas, perhaps you will look to God to lead you out of your sin. I attended Night of Joy at Disney World and heard Casting Crowns lead singer, Mark Hall, say something like this: “If there’s a way to screw up being a Christian, I have mastered it.” I know how he feels and have screwed up more times than I care to think about. Second, this story is for accountability in my life. For many years people just assumed my family was doing well. On the outside, I was able to display whatever was necessary to fool people around me. This is not because I am some great actor or so incredibly deceptive either;  rather it was my ability to keep everyone at arm’s length and not allow people to truly know how ugly my life was. The third reason comes from a desire that Christian men everywhere will stand up and fight for their marriages, the love of their wives, and the respect of their children. I absolutely have no room to criticize others in this area. This is written more for me as a reminder to do what I believe God has called a man who wears the title of Christian to be. When I think of the titles of Christian, husband, and father I am “the least of these.” I have failed my children, wife, and most importantly, I have offended Holy God with my selfishness and pride over the years. The most amazing aspect of my self centeredness was (is) the ability to think to myself “it’s ok, I am not as bad as [insert name].” I thought I was doing fine and was just like anyone else. I do not want to be just like anyone else, I want to be whatever God wants me to be. I will strive to do this in three main areas: As a follower of Christ, as a husband, and as a father.

Least important is who I am. Almost 17 years ago God placed a woman in my life that I didn't (don't) deserve. Over the years he has blessed me by allowing me to become a father when I continued to seek Him only when it suited me. As you can see by the picture above, I have been blessed with far more than I could ever earn which is a living testament to God's grace and mercy. I was living a "good" life. We attended and were active in a local church, I had a great job, my family was healthy and happy. From the outside we looked picture perfect. I was living a dual life and had been for about a decade. I had slowly justified actions and thoughts into a life overcome with sin and and ruled by my flesh. In between the guilty feelings that sometimes consumed me, I was self righteous and proud of my ability to live out this duplicity. In 2009 I began to head rapidly downhill. This decline went hand in hand with my own selfish train of thought that I was seeing things more clearly, making justified decisions, and had everything under control. In reality I was trying to control things, submitting to God even less, and headed for destruction. My two lives collided sometime towards the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010. I lost my job, left my family, and wanted nothing to do with the Lord.

My hope is to document the mistakes I made that caused the events at the end of 2009 through the first part of 2010. More important I hope to adequately share God's strength, rebuke, and guidance that led me back to my family, provided another job, and most importantly taught me to seek Him in all things at all times. Through His teaching and guidance I know that the wife he provided is a good thing and we are building a cord that is not easily broken.

Purpose

My hope is that this book (blog) will convict and encourage men, and glorify God. I chose this format for several reasons:

My ADHD is awesome, I cannot pen a book.

I want no money, accolades for this.

I want it available to anyone who seeks it.

For that third point I will do what I can for anyone desiring to download this to any type of device. If you would like it in a specific format just let me know and I can provide it.If you have specific idols (areas of struggle) please let me know, I probably have struggled ( or still do) with it also.I would be happy to include it if I have overlooked anything.