As a Father

As a Father

The Lord has chosen to bless me with children who forgive their earthly father's weaknesses time and again. Throughout my struggles with idolatry, it was always the desire for my children to be better that would “nag” at me. No matter if I was hiding a relationship, or just being mildly hypocritical in my walk with life, it was taking my children to their church-related activities where I would feel the Lord really pointing out what a jerk I was. This became more prevalent when we had a son and I felt the burden of raising a spiritual leader. I wasn't a spiritual leader, how in the world could I raise one?

Although these thoughts would fly back and forth sin was dominant and I could not break free from it. I had my excuses here I would blame my wife, or Satan. We've already discussed how this is excusing my personal responsibility and spiritual discipline. To be clear I love my children and never for a minute wanted to hurt them even when I was hurting their feelings and possibly hurting their futures by living wrongly. My capacity to justify things in my mind is truly phenomenal, I can probably justify anything in the world if you give me about five minutes to think about how it will benefit me. More amazing is that as I justify to I can also start to think it might be better for other people too. Realizing this as I grow closer to God has taught me not to listen to my heart but to lead my heart in the manner God has prescribed for me in His Word. We will get to that later though.

As you can probably imagine, the events I wrote about in the previous entry were taking a toll on my ability to be a parent. I wasn't being the man God wanted me to be, I wasn't the husband God commands me to be so naturally I wasn't the parent God commands me to be. I doubt most folks noticed it, I mean we were in church every Sunday, kids were in the skits, plays, musicals etc. WE home school all three of them and two of my children have accepted Christ and participated in believer's baptism. Some might say that's pretty good and how was I a bad parent with all of these great things happening in my children's lives? Pure grace. The unmerited favor of the Lord to watch over my wife and children as I did my best to screw up life. God's amazing mercy was at work watching over those I was not diligently pursuing. My wife also works like no one I have ever seen anywhere in my life too. She was doing the work of 2 parents easily to make sure our children were cared for in every way.

So, what exactly was I not doing that I should have been doing and where did that lead? I was so busy leading a double life that I would arrive home exhausted every day and had little patience for my beautiful children. I also just tried to get them to obey me for the brief periods of time I was at home rather than cherishing the gift that they are and pursuing their hearts. Praise God their mother was diligent in their devotional and Bible time and for the wonderful people who taught them in Sunday school while I was being such a slacker. As my double life was getting closer to taking over I started to view my kids as a hindrance also. I never treated them poorly but I would think of how easy it would be to “move on” if they were older, or if I didn't have children. I think it's safe to say I was impressively average in everything I did with them and God was fortunately shielding them from my ineptitude.

As the sin in my life began to grow, I had less patience for waiting for the kids to grow up. I also held to the idea, at times, that new jobs or locations might get me to clean up my act. Of course anything like a change of scenery or new job is just a band-aid and doesn't fix my treacherous heart. As the kids got older it also became more difficult to hide my sin from them as well. That increased my stress, which I had to hide, and increased the tension at home.

Hopefully none of this sounds like I am blaming them, this was all me following my sinful heart down a path of destruction. Because of my selfishness I could not find joy in my children even though I loved them dearly in an affectionate kind of way. What I mean by that is that I had fond emotions regarding my children but not the determined love of a father who wants the very best for them in every area of their lives; especially their relationship with Christ. Towards the end of 2009 my sin had so overtaken me hat I couldn't even hold out for the children any longer.

I became so consumed with satisfying myself that I decide not only to destroy my wife's heart but my Children's hearts as well. Shortly after Christmas in 2009 I put my 4 year old son to bed and asked my 11 and 9 year old girls to come downstairs so I could talk to them. I had told my wife what I had planned and I am sure she just felt powerless to stop this. Regardless, I sat the girls down and said “Daddy is going to move somewhere else.” No preparation, cold as ice, total jerk. If there was anyway I could tell you men in the right words what I saw on my daughter's faces I would write it. It was terrible, I absolutely destroyed them in that moment. The sound that came out of the younger girl was terrible and I didn't even care. I was smiling at them both and telling them how much I loved them.

This was me, truly blinded by my sin and thinking I was doing things that were better for everyone involved. Blinded by scales of sin I destroyed my children's image of me. I actually thought I cared about what they thought of me too.

Thank God my wife was clear headed enough during this turmoil to have taken down all the Christmas decorations so they would not associate that in their minds forever. Praise God that she had the forethought to have them absent from the home when I actually moved everything out. Praise God that a little while later He broke my heart.

As a Husband

During my life on this earth I have had many relationships and, truly, have not done well in them. I have been a bad friend to others, a distant family member, and a lacking brother in Christ to those I attended church with. What I CAN say is that in most of those areas I made efforts at some point to do better. What I can also say is that those efforts were often at the expense of my most important earthly relationship, my marriage. I focused on "good" things like serving other people, and being a diligent employee, and even leading in some of those areas. I was dead wrong men; I had turned many of those things into an idol. That is to say that I had elevated them above their rightful place in my life according to God's Holy Word. To that end, what is the order God has prescribed to me for the relationships in my life.
In the book of Matthew the Pharisees and Sadducees decided to challenge Jesus' knowledge of the Law. They asked Jesus a wonderful question that provides the primary guidance for my everyday life.

"Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?" (Matthew 22:36 HCSB)

And, of course, you know His response:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37 HCSB)

Simple enough right? My (your) primary relationship above all others is to God. I was created to Love, honor, and worship God above all other things. Jesus followed this with the instruction to love your neighbor as yourself. My very closest neighbor is my covenant wife. Possibly the only earthly relationship I will ever overtly choose. There are many Biblical references which let me know my wife is my primary relationship. If you are not aware of this, please refer to Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:6, and Mark 10:9. Obviously I offer everything I say from the position that God's word, the 66 canonical books of the Holy Bible, is inerrant and sufficient for ALL of life's problems.
From the previous chapter I had learned to rely on God for my other external relationships, and to lean on Him to guide me. While the relationships outside my family were recovering and being restored, I continued to neglect my family. More than neglect them, I was actively sinning against my wife. I was breaking the covenants of our marriage, a lot. I had chosen to believe the lies presented to me by the world around me. I believed that I deserved a wife who acted a certain way and would revere and respect me no matter how much I neglected her needs. To be clear I am not speaking against the Biblical requirements for the wives. God's word offers specific guidance for the ladies but I am dealing with my, the men's, responsibilities which are detailed in Ephesians 5:25 - 32. Although the responsibilities of the ladies are detailed prior to that God did not tell me that my responsibility applies only IF she applies hers.
I am an adulterer. I willfully sought out, and justified in my clouded mind,  solace and comfort where it cannot be found. I used my wife's behavior or circumstances or anything I could grasp as justification for what I was doing. To a more prudent and faithful servant of God, this is simply crazy. To people who have become clouded in their judgement and have given Satan a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27) it can become easy to excuse my personal responsibility. So, what did this look like in real life?
I was part of the worship team at church, chaired 3 or 4 committees, and was even chairman of the deacons for a brief period. Looks pretty good doesn't it? I would spend my days visiting sick people in the hospitals and praying with families that had been assigned to me and I would arrive home with nothing left for my own family. My wife would actually say "I need you to pray with me more." I wouldn't do it. I justified even this behavior with the fact that I had done my service for the Lord that day. I was completely failing to realize the wounds I was creating in her. This is all aside form the fact that no one actually knew me. I purposefully kept relationships shallow and did not seek to confess to more mature believers areas where I was struggling. Looking back I was probably embarrassed but that does not excuse me not pursuing deeper Biblical accountability from the good men I had around me. These cumulative issues began "the drift" which is described in Hebrews 2:1-4. I was NOT paying attention to what I had heard , and KNEW to be true, my whole life. I would become angry with my wife when my sinful pride was wounded and Satan achieved a foothold. I will be careful to state here that Satan is not my greatest enemy, my wicked heart is. Satan is real and he wants to deceive and he plays a part but I am responsible for actively applying God's Word and His will in my life. This pattern continued over a period of 10 years. I would go through periods of deep regret and conviction only to get lost in my "self" again. In 2009 I found what I thought I wanted in someone else.
Breaking all the rules of prudence in protecting a Biblical marriage I sought out comfort and it almost destroyed my entire life. I built a relationship with someone else who was seeking similar comfort. I complained about my marriage and circumstances and justified all my behavior while still clinging to the belief that I loved God. (I will not address the theology of this being a salvation vs. ongoing sanctification in my life and would encourage you to examine this carefully if you are walking through a trial). This particular relationship  deepened and went beyond the state of "control" I had tried to maintain in the past. My life began to swirl out of control but on the surface I was in a new church I loved, still in the band, sometimes taught Sunday School, and had a great job I really loved. I did not feel any guilt or shame about what I was doing. I know some self-help books talk about that and I believe that is what those authors experienced. Instead of me feeling that, I shifted my focus and viewed my wife as my adversary. This single wrong focus allowed me to "feel good" about everything I was doing. A rapid succession of events towards the end of 2009 convinced me that a relationship with my wife was no longer the best thing for me and that I would be better off with this other person. During a particularly difficult day of communications with my wife I sent her an email saying I was moving out. As I sit and write this, it brings tears to my eyes for my offense to her and how I sinned against God; however, while I was in the midst of my sinning, I felt satisfied and happy about my decision to send that email.
With a few sentences and the click of a mouse I felt free from 15 years of marriage, 3 beautiful children, and believed God was alright with all of it. For a few days I felt like everything was working itself out too. Most of my selfish plans were working like a well-oiled machine and I was busy busy trying to get on with my life. Right about then, friends and family stepped up their intercession to God on my family's behalf. I didn't know, well I knew a few, but people all over the country began to pray earnestly for reconciliation. Some people were even fasting. One of the other guys in the last praise band I had been a member of stopped by my shiny new apartment and greatly encouraged me that "reconciliation should always be the goal." He told me that this other person was a tool of the enemy. The prayers must have been starting to take hold because I had to laugh and tell him I was also a tool of the enemy. Other things began to become apparent after I moved out as well. I saw this other person I had pursued began to display signs that made me feel as if the level of commitment was waning. We only saw each other at work, even though I now had my own private place.
I didn't know what was happening but it was apparent that things were unraveling, and in the back of my mind I was starting to know why.