As a Father

As a Father

The Lord has chosen to bless me with children who forgive their earthly father's weaknesses time and again. Throughout my struggles with idolatry, it was always the desire for my children to be better that would “nag” at me. No matter if I was hiding a relationship, or just being mildly hypocritical in my walk with life, it was taking my children to their church-related activities where I would feel the Lord really pointing out what a jerk I was. This became more prevalent when we had a son and I felt the burden of raising a spiritual leader. I wasn't a spiritual leader, how in the world could I raise one?

Although these thoughts would fly back and forth sin was dominant and I could not break free from it. I had my excuses here I would blame my wife, or Satan. We've already discussed how this is excusing my personal responsibility and spiritual discipline. To be clear I love my children and never for a minute wanted to hurt them even when I was hurting their feelings and possibly hurting their futures by living wrongly. My capacity to justify things in my mind is truly phenomenal, I can probably justify anything in the world if you give me about five minutes to think about how it will benefit me. More amazing is that as I justify to I can also start to think it might be better for other people too. Realizing this as I grow closer to God has taught me not to listen to my heart but to lead my heart in the manner God has prescribed for me in His Word. We will get to that later though.

As you can probably imagine, the events I wrote about in the previous entry were taking a toll on my ability to be a parent. I wasn't being the man God wanted me to be, I wasn't the husband God commands me to be so naturally I wasn't the parent God commands me to be. I doubt most folks noticed it, I mean we were in church every Sunday, kids were in the skits, plays, musicals etc. WE home school all three of them and two of my children have accepted Christ and participated in believer's baptism. Some might say that's pretty good and how was I a bad parent with all of these great things happening in my children's lives? Pure grace. The unmerited favor of the Lord to watch over my wife and children as I did my best to screw up life. God's amazing mercy was at work watching over those I was not diligently pursuing. My wife also works like no one I have ever seen anywhere in my life too. She was doing the work of 2 parents easily to make sure our children were cared for in every way.

So, what exactly was I not doing that I should have been doing and where did that lead? I was so busy leading a double life that I would arrive home exhausted every day and had little patience for my beautiful children. I also just tried to get them to obey me for the brief periods of time I was at home rather than cherishing the gift that they are and pursuing their hearts. Praise God their mother was diligent in their devotional and Bible time and for the wonderful people who taught them in Sunday school while I was being such a slacker. As my double life was getting closer to taking over I started to view my kids as a hindrance also. I never treated them poorly but I would think of how easy it would be to “move on” if they were older, or if I didn't have children. I think it's safe to say I was impressively average in everything I did with them and God was fortunately shielding them from my ineptitude.

As the sin in my life began to grow, I had less patience for waiting for the kids to grow up. I also held to the idea, at times, that new jobs or locations might get me to clean up my act. Of course anything like a change of scenery or new job is just a band-aid and doesn't fix my treacherous heart. As the kids got older it also became more difficult to hide my sin from them as well. That increased my stress, which I had to hide, and increased the tension at home.

Hopefully none of this sounds like I am blaming them, this was all me following my sinful heart down a path of destruction. Because of my selfishness I could not find joy in my children even though I loved them dearly in an affectionate kind of way. What I mean by that is that I had fond emotions regarding my children but not the determined love of a father who wants the very best for them in every area of their lives; especially their relationship with Christ. Towards the end of 2009 my sin had so overtaken me hat I couldn't even hold out for the children any longer.

I became so consumed with satisfying myself that I decide not only to destroy my wife's heart but my Children's hearts as well. Shortly after Christmas in 2009 I put my 4 year old son to bed and asked my 11 and 9 year old girls to come downstairs so I could talk to them. I had told my wife what I had planned and I am sure she just felt powerless to stop this. Regardless, I sat the girls down and said “Daddy is going to move somewhere else.” No preparation, cold as ice, total jerk. If there was anyway I could tell you men in the right words what I saw on my daughter's faces I would write it. It was terrible, I absolutely destroyed them in that moment. The sound that came out of the younger girl was terrible and I didn't even care. I was smiling at them both and telling them how much I loved them.

This was me, truly blinded by my sin and thinking I was doing things that were better for everyone involved. Blinded by scales of sin I destroyed my children's image of me. I actually thought I cared about what they thought of me too.

Thank God my wife was clear headed enough during this turmoil to have taken down all the Christmas decorations so they would not associate that in their minds forever. Praise God that she had the forethought to have them absent from the home when I actually moved everything out. Praise God that a little while later He broke my heart.