As a Husband

During my life on this earth I have had many relationships and, truly, have not done well in them. I have been a bad friend to others, a distant family member, and a lacking brother in Christ to those I attended church with. What I CAN say is that in most of those areas I made efforts at some point to do better. What I can also say is that those efforts were often at the expense of my most important earthly relationship, my marriage. I focused on "good" things like serving other people, and being a diligent employee, and even leading in some of those areas. I was dead wrong men; I had turned many of those things into an idol. That is to say that I had elevated them above their rightful place in my life according to God's Holy Word. To that end, what is the order God has prescribed to me for the relationships in my life.
In the book of Matthew the Pharisees and Sadducees decided to challenge Jesus' knowledge of the Law. They asked Jesus a wonderful question that provides the primary guidance for my everyday life.

"Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?" (Matthew 22:36 HCSB)

And, of course, you know His response:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37 HCSB)

Simple enough right? My (your) primary relationship above all others is to God. I was created to Love, honor, and worship God above all other things. Jesus followed this with the instruction to love your neighbor as yourself. My very closest neighbor is my covenant wife. Possibly the only earthly relationship I will ever overtly choose. There are many Biblical references which let me know my wife is my primary relationship. If you are not aware of this, please refer to Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:6, and Mark 10:9. Obviously I offer everything I say from the position that God's word, the 66 canonical books of the Holy Bible, is inerrant and sufficient for ALL of life's problems.
From the previous chapter I had learned to rely on God for my other external relationships, and to lean on Him to guide me. While the relationships outside my family were recovering and being restored, I continued to neglect my family. More than neglect them, I was actively sinning against my wife. I was breaking the covenants of our marriage, a lot. I had chosen to believe the lies presented to me by the world around me. I believed that I deserved a wife who acted a certain way and would revere and respect me no matter how much I neglected her needs. To be clear I am not speaking against the Biblical requirements for the wives. God's word offers specific guidance for the ladies but I am dealing with my, the men's, responsibilities which are detailed in Ephesians 5:25 - 32. Although the responsibilities of the ladies are detailed prior to that God did not tell me that my responsibility applies only IF she applies hers.
I am an adulterer. I willfully sought out, and justified in my clouded mind,  solace and comfort where it cannot be found. I used my wife's behavior or circumstances or anything I could grasp as justification for what I was doing. To a more prudent and faithful servant of God, this is simply crazy. To people who have become clouded in their judgement and have given Satan a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27) it can become easy to excuse my personal responsibility. So, what did this look like in real life?
I was part of the worship team at church, chaired 3 or 4 committees, and was even chairman of the deacons for a brief period. Looks pretty good doesn't it? I would spend my days visiting sick people in the hospitals and praying with families that had been assigned to me and I would arrive home with nothing left for my own family. My wife would actually say "I need you to pray with me more." I wouldn't do it. I justified even this behavior with the fact that I had done my service for the Lord that day. I was completely failing to realize the wounds I was creating in her. This is all aside form the fact that no one actually knew me. I purposefully kept relationships shallow and did not seek to confess to more mature believers areas where I was struggling. Looking back I was probably embarrassed but that does not excuse me not pursuing deeper Biblical accountability from the good men I had around me. These cumulative issues began "the drift" which is described in Hebrews 2:1-4. I was NOT paying attention to what I had heard , and KNEW to be true, my whole life. I would become angry with my wife when my sinful pride was wounded and Satan achieved a foothold. I will be careful to state here that Satan is not my greatest enemy, my wicked heart is. Satan is real and he wants to deceive and he plays a part but I am responsible for actively applying God's Word and His will in my life. This pattern continued over a period of 10 years. I would go through periods of deep regret and conviction only to get lost in my "self" again. In 2009 I found what I thought I wanted in someone else.
Breaking all the rules of prudence in protecting a Biblical marriage I sought out comfort and it almost destroyed my entire life. I built a relationship with someone else who was seeking similar comfort. I complained about my marriage and circumstances and justified all my behavior while still clinging to the belief that I loved God. (I will not address the theology of this being a salvation vs. ongoing sanctification in my life and would encourage you to examine this carefully if you are walking through a trial). This particular relationship  deepened and went beyond the state of "control" I had tried to maintain in the past. My life began to swirl out of control but on the surface I was in a new church I loved, still in the band, sometimes taught Sunday School, and had a great job I really loved. I did not feel any guilt or shame about what I was doing. I know some self-help books talk about that and I believe that is what those authors experienced. Instead of me feeling that, I shifted my focus and viewed my wife as my adversary. This single wrong focus allowed me to "feel good" about everything I was doing. A rapid succession of events towards the end of 2009 convinced me that a relationship with my wife was no longer the best thing for me and that I would be better off with this other person. During a particularly difficult day of communications with my wife I sent her an email saying I was moving out. As I sit and write this, it brings tears to my eyes for my offense to her and how I sinned against God; however, while I was in the midst of my sinning, I felt satisfied and happy about my decision to send that email.
With a few sentences and the click of a mouse I felt free from 15 years of marriage, 3 beautiful children, and believed God was alright with all of it. For a few days I felt like everything was working itself out too. Most of my selfish plans were working like a well-oiled machine and I was busy busy trying to get on with my life. Right about then, friends and family stepped up their intercession to God on my family's behalf. I didn't know, well I knew a few, but people all over the country began to pray earnestly for reconciliation. Some people were even fasting. One of the other guys in the last praise band I had been a member of stopped by my shiny new apartment and greatly encouraged me that "reconciliation should always be the goal." He told me that this other person was a tool of the enemy. The prayers must have been starting to take hold because I had to laugh and tell him I was also a tool of the enemy. Other things began to become apparent after I moved out as well. I saw this other person I had pursued began to display signs that made me feel as if the level of commitment was waning. We only saw each other at work, even though I now had my own private place.
I didn't know what was happening but it was apparent that things were unraveling, and in the back of my mind I was starting to know why.